I’ve been so fatigued lately to the point where video games have the potential to make me feel exhausted.

But I don’t feel like doing this anymore. I’m always distracting myself from everything so I don’t have to deal with any problems. I’m unable to face them though, so what other option do I have.

I don’t even know why I’m writing anything. Or why I’m not writing anything. 

Everything’s either just empty or just frustrating now. What a joke thinking it’d be over anytime soon.

I suddenly realized I have 24 followers.

I don’t think that number will go much higher if it’s been a year and a half now.

I feel like crap today. The ramen I ate a few hours ago managed to combine with the berry sauce mix I had earlier, and I guess it conjured the flames of hell within my esophagus. On top of that, I have a slight headache most likely having it’s origin relating to the current weather fluctuations, breathing that seems more exhausting for each I take, and a strange soreness in my neck and back that only appears when I think about it. I certainly feel ‘out of it’, but I suppose that’s not why I’ve chosen to write.

This note I’ve made marks my two-hundredth post on Tumblr. Which is not a lot, but I rarely post as it is, so I suppose the equivalent for those who update their blogs regularly, this is more like the two-thousandth. It’s nothing really special for me, but I usually seem to have this impulse for milestones to be marked with specificity or renown, as little as it is. It’s not like I’m going to look back on this and say to myself “Lo, and this is my true marking of importance on Tumblr!” because I really don’t care as much as I think I should. I guess it’s just kind of a looking-back thing for me.

Since I first started this blog, I’ve certainly changed a good amount, but not always in a good way. I’m much wiser, more critical of issues I’d previously vilify or support on whim, and I try to view everything from a logical point of view in every aspect. It’s usually a ‘black and white’ sort of thing where I must disassemble and analyze key aspects of an opinion, event, or perhaps even an ideology, regardless on how much it’s supported by friends or family. While I would for the most part view this as a personal strength, I also see it as a detriment because I literally lack almost any emotional input into the scenario. I suppose that can be good for dealing with something like an ideology being taken out of context, but often times I feel like I’m more of a heartless AI that just sees the world from a third-person stance. It can be alienating in some cases. 

That being said I feel like that, with the exception of my reactions to films or video games, I’m becoming less and less of an emotional person. Not because I necessarily choose to be so, but because I just feel like my input to anything should only be limited to critical thinking. Cause and effect in place of tears or anger. Maybe I’m just becoming a guy that literally cannot give a fuck about my past, my present, or my future anymore. If I were to try my hardest, maybe I can put some emotion into my thoughts on this. In that case, I think that at this point, I’m starting to accept that I have to make the most rational decision available in anything, most likely being the result of me just being filled with so much disappointment in the past. If that’s true, then I suppose my life is just becoming an embodiment of sorrow.

I humor myself. Perhaps a time will come when I disagree with all of this, and I’ll go through the same transformation I went through in the past year, just in a different way.

Until then, I’m just tired.